donna

virtual reality

2008-06-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've turned off my virtual light on the world - resigned my membership from digital clubs - turned in my key to the electronic gossip gallery = I've quit Myspace and Facebook.

So far - so good. When my email isn't enough, I check the newspaper now. My brain has to skip that time-suck of a beat and move on to something else, something more worldly than a collection of pixelly pictures of my oldest conocimientos.

It makes me wonder, is it better to spend time reading about the mundane details of my most far-spread least contacted friends - "S0 and so is spreading around her dissertation," "Such and such are feeling sick," "Him and her went on another trip to another place and took another photo! - or is it better to read the New York or LA Times, the Washington Post, the Onion - "Bear Stearns Rich Old Guys Arrested!" "Obama still continues to push buttons and kick ass" "Area man has a sad little routine when he needs cheering up!"?

I'm going to say...I will put my money on...well, really either. The news of the rich and famous is only interesting in regards to the scale they accomplish it on. I suppose if good and interesting things are done on large scale then we appreciate them more - they seem more significant. But then again, to see that my old classmate who used to inspire me by running a marathon at the same time as the school newspaper has now has two children still gives me important insights into how the world can work. Do we learn from lessons of strangers or our friends? Probably both. I guess the question here was, how do we distract ourselves? Do we entertain ourselves with the external world or a more closely connected one?

I chose to get off the sites to avoid conflict, avoid wasting my time, avoiding trying to pay attention to everyone I've ever known doing so in hopes that I can pay more attention to the details of the lives that I do know now. My current friends, my current loves, my current life. That is - I'm giving up my virtual life for my real one. I'm giving up the idea of everyone for the reality of one.

2008-06-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

When I lived in NYC _and_ when I had realized it was the "only place to be" I noticed that non-new york new yorkers, that is emmigrants or immigrants yet-to-be, were always reading the NYTIMES with a religious devotion. It was as if those outside of the city somehow could really keep apprised of the city and therefore the world by consuming the black ink and off-white page, leaf by leaf.

As a new-yorker in new york proper, I rarely touched the thing. It was as if the city itself was enough, and that reading about it on top of living it would have been some sort of overdose, and self-centered at that. Like a stage-mom searching the tabloids for news on her daughter, it would consume me, instead - the wide review of life as I knew it.

Of course, that left me well and good ignorant about many things. But I always had the comfort that paper was there when I needed it. Now - on a Sunday morning, that paper will only ever be delivered onto my laptop screen as long as I live in this town of 16,000, Donna, Texas. I believe I can get the paper in my box, if I wait a day or two.

So I am up, it is a warm beautiful sunday morning, and I've made my coffee and now I'll click through the Times, page by virtual page.

April 18, 2008

2008-04-18T06:37:00.000-07:00

Its a rainy morning in Donna and about the perfect time to honor my re-commitment to the art or lousy hobby of part-time writing. Be it a blessing or a curse I have not the chance to devote myself to this effort full-time. I have just hours here and there to give a shot and then complain that my lack of success is due to equal lack of time. This is not true. Ideas and persons and most things will fly if you put them out there and give them a hard enough push, a showy enough sell. Then there are those artists who don't push to hard - they become famous after their death. Way too late to gratify that need to be acknowledged.

I have had a few ideas in the past 24 hours about what to write about. One was a girl filing papers to divorce her father in a church she never joined. The other was just an essay about Ruby, the young girl we've befriended at the laundry. Her story will fill out later though, I'm sure. Perhaps if we go to her Quincenera, as she invited us yesterday. All the folks from the laundromat will be going. One idea I had awhile ago was something about a psychiatrist driving his daughter to insanity - but I forget how it was going to happen. Ah well - these things will come. That's why I am back here to the process of blogging, of getting these non-legalese words onto screen - so I can see them - a promise that they exist and will still come when I need them.

This weekend is a calm one - a front is blowing through and the rain will lift (Its the first rainy day in months) and then it will be sunny and warm. I did all my chores yesterday so today is merely enjoying, well, whatever it is I decide to enjoy. We've assembled quite a collection of potential hobbies now - oil painting, guitar and violin, the landscaping, cards and games, computer games, my quilts, his reading, cooking. We are jacks of all trades and hopefully we will master some at some point.

I've been thinking more and more about NY in a month and a year from now. In one month I visit. In one year its possible I could move there. Nevermind that next week I visit Austin for a conference, then the next to San Diego, then a couple after, Mexico. All I'm thinking about are cupcakes from Amy's, Coffee from Irving, and wandering small around the corners of great buildings.

Ah.

Its a rainy morning here. I've got to get to the car dealership, then to work, and see what else I can get done before the weekend. Time is flying. Weekends begin with weekdays, it seems. Everything turns into each other so fast. Theres so much living to be done - there's hardly time to think about it.

2008-04-06T07:16:00.000-07:00

Its been on and of this week, with the heat and the sun, in random mixtures of the two. My father came to town, and while I was hot and old about the whole affair, it has turned out to be a very mild pleasant weekend.

winter news - winter blues

2008-03-04T15:13:00.000-08:00

greetings from donna, where words have been short and days have been long of late.

mother came to visit from new york city and it was true meeting of two worlds - my old life my new, but more than that, it was two parts of me coming together. two halves figuring out if and how they can make a whole and whether or not the addition of the pair will come out to less than or more than 100%.

as such when she left it felt as little splintered, schizophrenic, as if perhaps part of the whole was taken, or maybe it was the extra 25% percent, i know for sure that 95% remains, and perhaps now, a tiny bit more.

i miss new york and still consider coming back. i miss having all my friends around so i like to think about making plans for a year from now. But damn if in a year from now i won't finally feel like i've made friends here and wonder if maybe i shouldn't have just stayed. asi es la vida a veces.

the warm winter has helped. its like a brief reprieve from a life sentence of snow. but as i've recounted to many of you, its as cold inside in this little country house of mine as it is outside. so in some ways i've been colder than before.

so i've been a little sad. it turns out february was still hard, even with sunshine, even with the most wonderful valentine. its been nine months in texas, 6 on the job, and 3 as a real live lawyer. since i measure all of life in units of 3 months, this is an important moment to stop and measure.

precinct captain

2008-02-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

Its a warm rainy morning here in Donna and I don't feel like going to work, though I probably will. I feel like sitting right here with a hot cup of coffee alternately my glances from the view through the screen porch door and this buzzing little screen right here.

Ted Kennedy will be in town today, and its rumored that Obama will be two on Friday. The Obama campaign was so confident about super tuesday that they didn't print enough signs and now are scrambling to get us to make phone calls. They are looking a bit at their own lives, their own leading roles, and wondering if their commitment doesn't have them on the road a lot longer than they thought.

I was excited about Ted Kennedy but now find myself a bit lazy. What is this? My long standing aversion to politics? Yes, probably. I'll go for obama, but think maybe I'll skip out today. I want all this change to happen but darn if I don't want someone else to take care of it for me.

remote posting from nyc

2007-12-21T13:15:00.000-08:00

i thought i'd move south and be so slow moving i'd have a novel by now - but instead its become hard to keep up my blog. In fact I'm writing now from the coffee shop on the corner of Church and Nostrand, middle of Flatbush, the trinidadian section. Herein, in various shades and colors of the tropical accent they are discussing the copy of Ben Hur that the one particularly squirrely grey character brought in and held in front of him for 20 minutes until someone else would come so he could announce his great find.
Ben Huurr!
Yes, Bin Hur
Ben Her!
Oh Ben Hur. That classic from 1957 (That's alot of years, the coffee man hurumphs) here is the delight of the afternoon.

I'm just waiting for mom to come home so I can get inside, drop my bag, and enjoy a nice week of nothing to do in NYC.

ha ha.

2007-12-09T09:21:00.001-08:00

Donna, TX
82°F

Wind: S at 22 mph
Humidity: 66%
Today
Mostly Sunny
86° | 71°
Mon
Mostly Sunny
83° | 71°
Tue
Mostly Sunny
84° | 69°
Wed
Partly Sunny
84° | 65°

party time

2007-12-03T04:04:00.000-08:00

I've thrown a lot of parties in my lifetime. My parents had the whole church over almost every new years and i picked up the tradition as early as middle school with my buddies. IN fact, this year - we just started the emails - it might actually be possible that my 8th grade crew can meet up all together all in Indy for the start of the New Year. What a gift! And New Years is my most religiously observed holiday...

Anyways, I've never thrown a party quite like the one I'm throwing today. I'm holding it in a courtroom, which comes equipped with complimentary judge, court reporter, and hopefully friendly bailiffs. I've invited my honored guest, the Client (CL as we like to refer to them) and two police officers, one friend, and one District Attorney whom we invited to bring a special bag of tricks known as the file of an open criminal investigation of another special guest, Opponent (OPP).

Usually I'm bad at parties, I'm all about form over substance. I make sure everyone has drinks and is comfortably located and then I just extract myself to this peripheral level of observation and tinkering, here and there. Today, the form has been set up. Papers filed. Seats are pre-determined. And my job is take all of our guests to the heart of the matter-the substance. The truth, the point. And what I have to do as master of ceremonies is bring out enough of the bad to protect my client without bringing out so much bad it hurts her. That's tough.

The last job is to not stutter like a damn fool in front of my judge, as I'm appearing for the first time in my life. But I've never gone through a party stuttering. I usually end up dancing on chair and singing triumphantly to Madonna. Maybe something equivalent to that in courtroom terms can happen today.

Today is a hearing on divorce and custody with family violence. Things are pretty clear on our side but damn if you don't ever really know whats going to happen in court. All I can do is look tough, and collected, and prepared, and hope that I can intimidate into a settlement or easily guide the court to our logical conclusions. Ha. Vamos a ver. The judge is a nice one - one I've bantered about with about quilt making and such. Perhaps she will greet us without too much antagonism - which is all I ask for.

THIS IS NOT, however, my first party involving LAW enforcement. But that's not blog material. Remember, your blogs can and will be used against you in a court of law. This time the Officers are invited, and have to appear all because I signed a little scrap of paper to tell them to, and even after being ordered around by little me, they will show and be as friendly and helpful as possible. It's quite amazing, the concept, to me. But this will happen. And we will see how this party ends up. No one will go to jail, no one will die, in fact we can likely get just what we want. Also part of what I want is to not get nervous and some bowel trouble or something equally debilitating just when I need to be standing there, orchestrating the entertainment.

Life is moving along here - much more to say about my adventures here, but that will come soon. Gotta go play lawyer now. Wish me some luck.

my idyllic little life

2007-11-19T19:25:00.000-08:00

Oh I'm stuffed. Its one of those weeks (pms, specifically) where i just fantasize about sugar, and all the types and kinds and shapes and flavors i could get it in. Its funny, because the week directly after the period is almost devoid of these maniacal cravings. I could survive that week on a diet of carrots and twigs, perhaps with a little hummus dip here and there, and I wouldn't think twice about it. But tonight, trying to show willpower by not buying cookie dough, I instead bought cinnamon wheat things and tried them out with maple syrup on top. Its delicious and it also makes me fear the gym in the morning, more specifically, the scale. I had done so good getting in shape to go back and visit NYC this Thanksgiving day weekend - to show everyone how happy and healthy I was. Now I will just have to glow from slightly chubbier cheeks. Like a cherub, perhaps. I hear its supposed to be chilly there this weekend. Actually, I hear its supposed to be chilly HERE this weekend--down to 48 or so--which my neighbors have determined rather conclusively means its going to be very, very cold "up there" this weekend.

My neighbors are very sweet, and probably did not need the Lexington bourbon chocolates or Brown County honey that I brought back to repay them (to be honest, I brought them the maple syrup too, but couldn't surrender it when the time came to give it up). They watched my little pets all weekend without any fuss and instead returned them fat, happy, and only slightly bruised (seems Garbo got in a scuffle with Foxy, the rather rotund dachshund that inhabits their house next door with her companion, Mr. Peabody, the slightly more elongated weiner dog - altogether more the appropriate shape).

I want them to be not so nice, these neighbors, to make it not so easy for me, so that i wouldn't leave and know that they're not only feeding my pets but inviting Garbo over for sleepovers and adopting her into the household. If they could just complain a bit, hesitate to agree, or ask for a little bit of compensation, or admit that their schedule interfered with at least one day out of the 5 I asked them to watch, and perhaps couldn't I get another person to come by instead? It would teach me a lesson, about not being able to handle pets now, like I was told, or being able to travel, or make it work just like I think it should work. But here they are, emboldening and enabling me in my little fairytale life.

Tonight I sat out on the edge of their concrete porch with them, Marco and Julie and little Niki, their two year old granddaughter, playing with the dogs and listening to the funnies and feats from the weekend. Apparently Garbo did not hesitate to jump on their bed and get comfortable - running leaps in fact (whereas the dachshunds had to stop, then jump). And she too was on the same sleeping schedule as Foxy and Peabody - 8:30 is time for bed. Nor was she hindered by the doggie door - she got that down fast. Marco was duly impressed. And I was impressed by the care with which the story were observed, held and then retold.

Meanwhile, back over at my house, Tom Morrissey had enjoyed the run of the back porch and the back yard. I've found him to be quite a qualified bug killer, at least I've found quite a lot of them mutli-legged/winged creatures, dead, belly-up on that back porch. But now, after 5 days without a cat lover around, he is quite affectionate and demanding now that I'm home. Still, he has brought one of his cockroaches into the bedroom tonight and I've been watching him play with it for the past few minutes. I think its really dead this time, dead like Garbo looks over on the other pillow, and even Tom too now - though he is on the floor, as if on cockroach final death watch.

Anyways, life is rolling along here. The fall is warm, at most windy. I don't miss the fall, at least now that I know the leaves have fallen. I'm comforted by the fact that the south will keep me warm all winter - especially since I'm on my own here. I guess my fat little pets could too - but they too will go back to carrots and twigs once the holiday is over and we return to our regular routine. I know why grandparents go to florida now - the winters don't seem too tough until you don't have to do it anymore. Its like a relationship that wasn't that great but you couldn't see it at the time. You say things like "I don't mind that he smoke, burps, makes bad jokes, (insert unsatisfactory trait here)." Sure the cold isn't so bad, its kind of romantic, but how could you ever really love a season? You all up there are like romantic players. You get one season, you love it for a month or two, and then you move on. Down here we get the best season and we learn to really enjoy it. 80's high, 60's low. We see that weather through for 6 months on end, I think.

Of course, it means I can't blame my belly fat nor that of my little furry friends on the winter weather. If its constantly beach season, there no excuse to slip out of shape, no sweaters to hide away in. But oh well. We are happy, and we are warm, and I am coming home in just two days, and my babies will once again go the neighbors, and keep careful watch on the bug population in the backyard until I come back. Life is rolling along, yes, just like Garbo rolled over on her pillow and _off_ the bed just now... I am happy to be here, its true. Its everything as I imagined it - and then some.

big day

2007-11-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

last night i dropped an envelope in a mailbox with the same weight and gravity pulling it inwards as a similar envelope that slipped from my fingers three and a half years ago. Three and a half years ago I was in washington d.c. listening to a speaker from the Heritage foundation explain something, it doesn't really matter what he was saying but the tone with which he was saying it, which to my ears sounded like "Why wouldn't you go to law school, do you think you can fight me and my particularly tricky feats of oppression just as young dreamer? Do you really? C'mon. That's ridiculous--you're ridiculous if you don't do something here, because i'm here, and i'm doing."

I'm sure it sounded something like that, because-as often happens to me during painful speeches-i was propelled out of my chair, out of the basement meeting hall, and out into the bright sunshine of late afternoon. I walked quickly around the block and fished out of my bag an envelope that had been already waiting, carefully packed and sealed, just anticipating the decision, the commitment, that would vault it back up to NYC where I was visiting from.

It was my law school acceptance. I dropped it in the first box I saw and then turned west and walked straight over to the Supreme Court, only a few blocks away. I stood in front of it, altogether small and colorful and weak against the grand solid white weight of it. Equal Justice Under the Law, it proclaims. Well, I shrugged, equal justice for all would have been better, but, thats what we got I guess. Framed by a strong peaked roof, my eyes eased down the fat columns, and ended staring at the endless stairs leading down from there, or leading up inside. Regardless of the direction they suggested, I took them, walked around in side for a bit, still unsettled from Heritage Man's talk, and walked back out for the fresh air. Sat on the steps, stared out, and wondered what my future would now bring.

So last night, with the same curiosity, importance and excitement, I stopped at the post office late after work and dropped in my latest letter. Its my registration (plus check) to join the Texas State Bar as a lawyer. Tomorrow I will get sworn i before a judge and standing next to my friend Cindy from Indy with our parents on speaker phone. Never before have I entered such a committed relationship - especially one that I was always so sure I didn't want to enter. But what I'm committing to is to do it right for as long as i do it--for the state of texas, for our country, and most importantly to me, for our clients.

So by wednesday afternoon, I'll be a lawyer. Something I've considered doing for almost 9 years now. Its a long journey finally ended, but really just begun.

the weather has turned...

2007-10-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

the dog has finally discovered the bones i bought for her two weeks ago. she loves to carry one around in her mouth at all times - but she kind of whimpers or whines as she wanders around incessantly with it. i wondered what was wrong, until i realized the little rat was trying to bury the thing and couldn't figure out how to get beneath the hard wood floors. she settled on pushing the thing beneath the leftover pillow stuffing i left out after making her her new bed. then, triumphantly, a few seconds later she pulled it out again, clutching it in her mush, and jumped up on that very bed pillow i made her to enjoy her bounty.

the dog and the cat are finally getting along and perhaps not coincidentally, i'm starting to feel at home here in donna. last weekend after a 2 day conference in san antonio i was anxious to get in my car and drive down here, down to the middle of nowhere, of which my home is the capital.

in slightly more disturbing news, i found myself shocked today to find myself shocked at seeing happy whole families together at the grocery store, playing with their gurgling offspring, and sharing folding tasks at the laundromat. my world is a little too sheltered in the unsheltered realm - I forget that some families do work, that sweetness still exists, that most babies won't be robbed from their parents by their parents.

brrr... its only going to be 82 today!

2007-10-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

Last night it dropped below 60 and I'm worried. I was just coming to terms with not having a fall, with having 90 degree days long past all the family's october birthdays, of not getting to snuggle up around bonfires, walk in the leaves, taste the crisp in the air.

Now I'm worried - Does this house have heat? What will I do? Do I have enough blankets? How is it this cold?

Yet I haven't resorted to ssweatpants yet, my legs are still bare. Its just that me and morrissey and garbo slept all in a row last night. first morrisey at my belly and garbo at my back, and then a pre-dawn switch, cat back, puppy front... like literal pigs in a blanket.

a little bit more home

2007-10-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

The New York Times did not arrive this morning, just as it didn't arrive so many Sunday mornings before. We regret to inform you that the New York Times, even just Sunday's edition, will not be arriving in the foreseeable future. You didn't read it when you lived there, in fact you mostly just haphazardly flipped through it at a cafe and then only when you had a hot coffee in hand and no friends in sight. Now you can't get it, regardless of what kind of promises of fidelity you might make. You live 9 miles from Mexico in a town of 14,768 (in 2000, but with no reason to believe its any bigger now). The New York Times will not be delivered, ever!

Donna itself has no known Sunday paper but I've also stopped reading her weekly wednesday drop which usually contains story with more heart and earnest reporting than I have read in awhile. Like since the high school paper, the one I got in such trouble in for my scathing letters to the editor. Anyways, here is the local news report:

It was a busy weekend in Donna. A girl had no plans and yet the weekend turned out to be perfectly full when it finally came around.

On Friday I saw the Rio Grande Valley Killer Bees take on the...the red team. I fell in love #39, Banga. He looked at me a couple times where I sat with my friend in the 2nd row, so I think he realizes it true love too. While there I made friends with some Winter Texans sitting next to me. A "Winter Texan" is a phenomenon as regular as snow and ice in the heartland and actually is precipitated by that occurence. The clever midwesterners who get tired of their neighbors picked out Texas as an alternative to Florida, and come October they start showing up filling up their trailer parks and clogging up the roadways and the restaurants just over the river in Mexico. While most South Texas dreads their arrival, the annual migration is a treat to me as exciting as watching the cranes migrate through northern indiana. I've been a little lonely lately and confused. One because I'm not up north where all my friends are, but also, I'm not up north where the chilly air and colored leaves are. So when the retired Midwesterners migrate down, I have some buddies, not unlike family that I know. And I'm the girl whose not afraid to pick up strange grandparents in public - and so I did. I failed to get their number when we left the stadium, but walking way out in the parking lot to our car, someone honked at us. It was Mary and Dave! So I said hey, you don't need any extra granddaughters down here do you?

I'm so odd sometimes, but its so entertaining.

Saturday morning met me early - when the cat pulled down the curtains at 7:30 (Dunk! Dunk!). I rushed out to see who was at the door but it was just Tom Morrissey the Cat. He asked if, while I was up, I wouldn't spoon him out some wet cat food. Then there was some house sweeping, dog walking, cruising past houses for sale, football watching, pet store shopping, porch sitting, book store browing, pet store shopping, and general ADLs (activities of daily living) accomplished before i finally settled home at the end of the night to make dinner and watch a movie.

Except then the neighbors invited me over for their barbeque. Something about how Marco did up the pork ribs and beef ribs and fajita meat and sausages and chicken gave me the feelings that I had never been to a real barbeque before--That here in South Texas was a whole 'nother world of barbeque and implications for humankind (and their hearts). We sat around drinking and talking until late, late in the night.

This morning, Sunday, was not as early but meant a trip to the grocery to buy Mr. Morrissey his wet food and me my milk (I guess I don't like dry cereal either). Yard spraying for ticks, dog walking, coffee drinking, pet acclimating...

I know people always think I'm crazy for demanding pets around. "I want a pony" is not something i ever actually said but something my brothers used to tease out the fact that I've always had scores of them. I counted and I've had 20 in my life, if you don't count the goldfish because honestly who could count the goldfish? Tom Morrisey the cat and greta Garbot the terrier are 19 and 20, respectively.

But for the first time this week when I brought Garbot home from the vet I got lost in just enjoying my evening. For the time the hours between 5:30 pm and 7:30 am were not just a long break from work. It was my life, and I was at my home, enjoying it, and not even thinking about it. I feel infinitely more sane having some little ones around to focus my attentions outward, away from myself, and into something positive. And today, after a weekend that had no plans and thus planned itself, I feel happy, and at home. Its hard, I still get lonely, but I'm working really, really hard at it.

The fall in south texas is about windows and doors opening, cooler air coming in, the hope of turning the air conditioning off, of sitting on the porch in the evening without sweating, of birds in the trees, of returning to nature, not bundling up from it. So I'm excited to see what its like in a place where people say "Its going to get cold!" And they mean "Its about to drop below 80!" But I am glad my midwestern supports are coming down to help cope with a warm winter too.

I'm going to call Mary and Dave this afternoon and see if I can't get invited over to their retirement community trailer park for dinner, or some shuffleboard. I'm also going to go to the gym, and the take dog to the beach for the sandcastle show and to eat some ceviche (me, not her, ceviche is like mexican sushi, raw fish, but you wouldn't know it) And when I get home I"m going to set up my sewing machine.

Thats it. Thats my busy life in Donna Texas. I feel better now, don't you?

2007-10-11T05:46:00.001-07:00

So I'm not happy here. I feel it it my gut. I knew I wouldn't want to stay forever and I knew this was a temporary job and I still know that I could evacuate at any time. But there are things you know and things you feel and the difference is between adult and child, day and night, the line which contains the circle, the inside versus the out.

Our our feelings and our thoughts yin and yang of each other? Is reason the balance to emotion? Is that so obvious already?

Well, I guess I haven't had my coffee yet, I'll give myself that, but then I'll also admit that even life's simplest lessons have a hard time staying fresh in my mind. I guess life would be so easy if not.

I'm very happy to have a job and to be able to take care of myself, paying my own bills, living within my means, and making up for the years where I didn't. Sometimes I wonder though if moving away from everyone I know wasn't some sort of punishment.I've always thought of Texas as a retreat from my own life - a chance to think about 5 years in New York, all those misdirected attempts at love, all those emotions rocketing me around that city at all hours of the night...

Here I am contained. I am getting a little dog and a cat so even my person is restrained. Here we reside in a little two bedroom house in the middle of a little town. Here we will stay until something is more figured out.